All Better Now!

Okay, I was having a rough time last week. I felt like I needed a melt down, but didn't quite have the time. We're facing some pretty significant changes (and losses) in our ministry, our team & our roles. It also looks like our dreams of leading a mission trip to Africa have all gone to pot. On top of that, last week, we led our first Small Group for our church, and put on a Fall Retreat for our students. And I was sick.

I honestly didn't think I was going to make it. As we were trying to get out of town for the conference, we had a fiasco getting Gavin into a kennel & didn't have anyone to watch him. You know, just one of those last minute panicky moments where you don't quite know if everything will work out.

But it did. Miraculously, it really did; and I sit here Sunday morning in my PJ's with a belly full of pumpkin pancakes (YUM!!) feeling happy & content very, very grateful.

Our Fall Retreat this weekend did some amazing things in my heart (okay, it was God-- but He did it through the Fall Retreat). Every detail seemed to go haywire at the last minute, and yet somehow, it all worked out-- beautifully and in that sacred kind of way where you know it was only God who could have orchestrated something so lovely.

I grieved a little for Africa, and the dreams that were not to be. I felt like I was able to let go of it, and with it, some of my anger & hurt. But, more than that, I fell in love with our students all over again. For the first time, I think, I "got" why it is so important to work with college students (maybe I'll get into that in another blog!), and why my job is so important. On Friday, I had one foot out the door (so to speak), and was ready to say Goodbye to all of this Campus Crusade college ministry stuff. But as I listened to one student love & counsel another student through thoughts of suicide & depression, I got teary-eyed, and had one of those heart-swelling-with-gratitude moments. "I could do this for the rest of my life," I thought to myself.

The truth is, I probably won't do this for the rest of my life. The truth is that the changes & losses are still coming. The truth is, it still makes my heart sink when I think about not going back to Africa. But, all of those things feel smaller now, and I feel a kind of peace & contentment now that anchors me down. It's a good day.

#%$&@*!!!!!

I wish there was an angry font, because I would use it right now.
I AM ANGRY!!!!!!
Descretion and Christ-like-ness keep me from posting the details on my blog, and I'm not even really sure what I can say except that I am so, so angry.

I feel like yelling profanities at the top of my lungs and hitting things and flipping off large Christian corporations (I didn't say that). What really sucks, though, is that I don't have the energy to do all those things, 'cause I'm still sick. What really, really sucks is that, although I know it's okay to be angry, I also know that I need to do all that Christian stuff like forgive & take deep breaths & not say things I will regret. I'm really trying-- but sometimes it's hard to keep the filter on.

I'm not just mad (that's more of a knee-jerk reaction), but I'm also really bummed, a little hurt, and very disappointed. There are a lot of emotions in there. I suppose all of them are helped by some deep breaths & some help from the guy who says "Vengeance is mine..." ;)

Mostly Dead

Today is cold & rainy again, and I am sick. All these wonderful, loving people around me have been sick & very generous in sharing, and I woke up this morning feeling yucky, and felt yuckier as the day progressed (or should I say Digressed?).

Strangely, though, it's been a nice day. I had big plans for being on campus: leading a prayer time, meeting with students, tutoring immigrants & recruiting for our Fall Retreat this weekend. Instead, though, I slept a huge portion of the day, and got caught up on all (well, some) of the behind the scenes work that has been plaguing me for a while. Yesterday, I felt guilty for being so behind, but it's funny how being sick can take away all that guilt. "I'm sick. What can I do?" The expectations are lowered significantly =)

Chris & I are going to make some experimental sweet potato & sausage soup and watch a movie with the Kleenex box & Airborne close by. And, really, that's not so bad, is it?

Big Winner!

So this week hasn't been all bad for me. On Friday, the Fed Ex guy showed up at our doorstep with a pair of brand new running shoes-- for free!

A month or so ago, I heard about this give-away that a (previously unknown to me) shoe company called Ryka is sponsoring (sign up and win a pair yourself!). It turns out, I won a pair of $90 running shoes! I wore them yesterday for the first time during my work out & they're awesome! I'm so happy with my new prize, and highly recommend them to others. =)
(No, that is not what the shoes actually looked like!)

Pirate Party

Some friends of ours throw an amazing costume party every year. Last year, the theme was Super Heroes, and Chris & I dressed up as characters from The Incredibles. This year, it's a Pirate theme. Now, anyone can come to a Pirate Party with an eye patch and tattered clothes, but we wanted to bring a little creativity. Here are some of our ideas:

• The Dread Pirate Roberts (and possibly an R.O.U.S.?? I definitely can't pass for Princess Buttercup)
• A Parrot, or a Monkey (Pirate "accessories")
• A DVD Pirate-er (wearing a trench coat lined with DVD's)
• A Mermaid (again, a pirate "accessory")
• Peter Pan or Tinker Bell, or maybe the Lost Boys or Tiger Lily
  
• "Arrrr" (Simply wearing a bunch or R's all over you-- this was my mom's idea. Cute!)
• The Black Pearl (wear a giant black trash bag, and simply be "the black pearl" super cheesy, but kind of funny!)

The goal here is to be something creative, and to not spend a bunch of money. It would be easy to buy a $50 Tinker Bell costume, but I would much rather spend $3 at Michaels for a bag of feathers, and make myself into a parrot (somehow!). A huge bonus would be to actually look cute-- something I did not achieve last year as Edna Mode!

Any ideas?

When it Rains, it Pours

The rain metaphor continues... As I mentioned yesterday, one of the low points last week was receiving paychecks 1/3 of their normal size. Well, we woke up this morning, looked out the window at the beautiful, sunny day (the sky is never so blue as after it rains, is it?), and noticed a huge hole in our Jeep's window.

Apparently, someone walked by with a baseball bat last night, and thought it would be fun to smash in our back window. Nothing was stolen, and luckily it had stopped raining by then.

Now we have the pleasure of using almost all of our paycheck to fix our car. But what can you do? We'll be fine-- we already paid rent for the month, and we have enough for groceries and the essentials. I made Chris some bran muffins to cheer him up, and we will probably try to brighten our day with a bike ride under the clear blue sky... that is, of course, unless the little grey cloud continues to follow us. ;)

Tropical Depression Kernaghan

It's been a long week. I feel like, lately, I have been living through a bit of a hurricane inside. Circumstances have kept me pretty busy, but it's more than just that. There is a difference between walking forward ten feet on solid ground, and walking forward ten feet in shoulder-deep water. Either way, you're only walking ten feet, but your surroundings make the task significantly easier or harder.

These last few weeks, I have been going onto campus, meeting with students, praying, sending emails, tutoring, talking on the phone, making fliers, and organizing events. All these things are normal, and don't sound very difficult or stressful-- unless you're under water.

And I have felt under water lately. Some mornings this week, it felt like I was in the middle of a hurricane. Some moments, it was only a tropical storm, some moments, a tropical depression, and right now, it is currently [physically] softly raining outside my window-- which reflects my reality inside, too.

There have been moments this week where I have felt completely overwhelmed with emotions, with self-doubt, with negative thoughts, fear, discouragement & lack of motivation. I believe very much in God, and also believe very much in an Enemy who does not sit around in red tights with a pitch fork, but who comes after us in our thoughts, in our relationships-- in any way he can. Each time I have felt this overwhelming weight, I have done my best to pray (or asked someone else-- usually Chris-- to pray for me), and almost every time, it has gone away. But eventually, it comes back.

I could go into details: details about why my week has been hard and emotional; details about my Dad not being healed of cancer [If I was a good Christian, I would say "yet"]. Details about my funk & disappointments on campus, or about our paychecks being only $300. But I don't feel like details.

This morning, I learned something that will be fairly significant to my life, my job, my career path, and even where I call home (and No, Mom, I'm not pregnant!) ;) As the thoughts & questions swirled around in my head, I looked outside at the rain, and felt it a little in my heart & my soul. I need to process and to think & reflect, but Chris had to go immediately out to campus (poor thing), and I am here, alone with my laptop (and the sleeping pit bull pup).

I feel surprisingly calm, though. I am at peace-- although I don't feel like I have much capacity to pray or to work, or do much of anything. I feel like curling up on the couch, turning on the "fireplace" DVD, and reading a book. Watching a mindless chick flick & painting my nails sounds nice, too. I don't anticipate that these difficult feelings, questions or circumstances will go away on their own. For now, though, I can take a deep breath, hear the rain falling outside, and know that I am safe and dry in here.