Wednesday, July 31, 2013
I admit that when I first started driving-- oh, about a hundred years ago-- I wasn't exactly a natural. I don't recall driving up onto the curb through any storefronts, or anything (that seems like the sort of thing you would remember), but I do know that I had a bit of a shaky start. And when my whole world changed three years ago-- my identity, my name, the way I talked, slept (or didn't), ate, thought, and spent my waking hours-- I had a bit of a shaky start then, too.
For some reason, I expected to come out of the starting blocks as a natural, and I panicked when I wasn't "good at" this new role that consumed every ounce of my attention. Now, with three years under my belt, it still doesn't quite feel natural, but thankfully the panic has subsided-- or at least been replaced by a subtle feeling that I have no idea what I'm doing. I haven't driven through any storefronts yet, though, and that is encouraging.
Three years ago, I was handed this gooey, red, screaming, highly breakable thing that had just caused me nine months and twenty-something hours of varying levels of agony. It took us a long, long time to get used to each other, to enjoy each other, to feel comfortable together. Like I said, it was a shaky start. And yesterday, on my little man's third birthday, after almost loosing it at least a dozen times, I went to bed with an ironic smile on my face, and a deep peace that did not have a home in me when we first started together.
As I lay in the dark of a quiet, sleeping house, these were the words I wanted to tell him...
Nolan: Today (and everyday) you made me completely insane. You made me want to shout profanity. You made me swell up with warmth, and you reached a depth inside me that I never knew before you came into the world. You made me doubt myself, and acknowledge my need for God. You brought out ugliness in me, and helped me to see beautiful things I never would have noticed. You forgave me when I was short with you, when I was impatient, and when I was vacant. You forgave me, accepted me, and shared yourself with me over and over again-- your thoughts, your hopes, your fears. You made me laugh, amazed me with your brilliant imagination, challenged and stretched me.
I celebrate you today, my incredible little boy-- celebrate who you are, who you will be, and who you have shaped me to be.