Thursday, July 22, 2010

Unexpecting: First Sight

I can remember the first time I laid eyes on Chris. I saw him from across the crowded ball room-- sparks flew, heart beats quickened, and thought to myself, "I've got to meet Ryan's friend."

Sadly, w
ithin about 30 seconds, I decided that he was a twelve year old, trapped in a college student's body, and was embarrassed that I had even been attracted to him. Oh, and the crowded ball room was also an ugly conference room in an outdated hotel, filled with loud, hyperactive college students. Not quite your Cinderella moment. It wasn't until two years later that I lay awake in my bed, realizing that I was in love with Chris Kernaghan, and it would be another three years after that until I actually married him.

Sometimes Love at First Sight takes a long time to develop.

Now, I'm told that I am about to experience a love like I have never known before. They say that all the pain, exhaustion, and trauma of labor (yikes!) simply evaporates the moment that little bundle of joy hits your arms. It's difficult to imagine.

When I first saw those two pink little lines on the home pregnancy test, I didn't feel much-- except for maybe a slight "Oh God, what did I just get myself into?". I assumed that in nine months of pregnancy, I would develop a love, excitement & bond with the little critter growing inside of me. But, although there have been moments of connection & tenderness, for the most part, I would still say that it all feels pretty surreal.

The thought that in a few days time, I will experience an insane "First Sight" kind of love seems hard to fathom. It took me years to fall in love with Chris, and I'm told that, within a blink of an eye, my entire life & identity with change-- that somewhere inside of me is a capacity to love something like I've never loved anything before. Where is that, I wonder? Where does it come from, and how does something so intense sprin
g up in an instance?

As my discomfort increases and I tick off the days until my due date (which I'm told is only a time line for disappointment, when you crawl your way right past it), I have to remind myself that I'm not waiting to be un-pregnant-- I'm actually going to have a child. It still makes my head spin.

I tried so hard to keep my feet on the ground when, after my years of waiting, I finally snagged that guy I saw from across the crowded "ballroom". Sadly, I have to admit that I was a ridiculous mess. I was smitten, twitterpated. It was disgusting. It was wonderful. And so I apologize in advance for the obsessive Romeo & Juliet fog that I am about to enter. From what I hear, that's just the way is goes with Love at First Sight.


Simple Diva said...

I am so grateful for your honesty, I love you lady.

Sam said...

So excited to meet him at the next conference filled with loud, hyperactive college students :)

Yara said...

I remember anticipating that magical moment when my child was placed into my arms for the first time which was sure to immediately inundate me with adoration for her. TV and film have flooded our minds with images of a happily tearful mother instantly falling in love with her perfect baby. And I'm sure it happens that way. But it didn't to me, and it didn't to enough new mothers that I have a sneaking suspicion it's more common than we might have guessed. I didn't find pregnancy a charming experience, and when my daughter was placed in my arms immediately after taking her first breath, umbilical cord still attached, my first response wasn't that of blissful adoration. It was a mix of relief that my exhausting labor was finally over, and the strong, sudden desire to have Gwen cleaned off before I held her, as she was all gooey and slippery and I didn't want to drop her. How's that for a warm-fuzzy emotion! I wish someone would have warned me that every woman is different because my first moments of motherhood were a blur of fatigued non-emotions; surreal thoughts mixed with practical concerns ("how much does she weigh?" "I am REALLY hungry- I wonder when they'll feed me" "so it's still a girl, right?" etc...).
I wish I would have known that finding nursing awkward and painful and not some beautiful, Hallmark Movie-bonding experience didn't make me a heartless person. Though there is a natural, biological draw to our children which makes me confident your love and attachment for your son will blossom much more quickly than it did for Chris, you may not feel a flood of bliss immediately, and that's ok. And you might! But I guess I wanted to encourage you either way, because we all respond differently to major life changes. The moment you fall in love with your child will come and it will come soon, but don't look for it; it might surprise you. It may come all at once upon laying eyes on his little face like a tsunami of affection or it may be more gradual like a blooming flower, growing with moments like watching him sleep or holding his head in your hands.
So for now, enjoy the last days that don't involve poopy diapers for a while. Because you can definitely fall in love with that notion. :)

Anonymous said...

And the circle of life continues . . . The real certainty is that your lives will be deepened and enriched - not always a painless experienc, but one not many would trade.

Hannah said...

i love this!