I spent the entire day on Sunday lying in bed, reading an old, old copy of Anne of Green Gables. Now, granted, I caught a cold, and was very motivated to be healed before we left for Uganda... but there definitely was a part of me that was much happier living in Avonlea with my favorite red-headed childhood friend than to be living in reality.
That's not to say that reality is all that bad-- there are no catastrophes happening in our lives, and our daily pace has definitely slowed down quite a bit (comparatively) over the past week. But there is the looming Reality that in 2 days, we will be flying out to Boston, and this whole adventure called Uganda will begin.
Let the records state that I still want to go to Uganda, that I still believe in this whole journey, and that I continue to trust that it will be a worthwhile, beautiful & life changing experience... I just wish it would wait a little while longer.
To tell you the truth, I'm worn out.
Yes, I've caught up on my sleep, and the heavy, anxious feeling that had been weighing down on me for weeks has mostly subsided, but the true rest-- that restoration that I really needed-- hasn't quite come yet. I think the hardest part right now is knowing that the vision I had of getting to connect with Chris and finally be married again (not just being business partners & roommates) is being buried under a stack of To-Do's. I know that once the traveling begins and we become Project Directors (and not just Chris & Christine), it will be harder and harder to find that connection. And that makes me sad.
However, in all of the To-Do's, there have been two really refreshing moments this last week:
The first was going to see the new Chronicles of Narnia movie with my family. I don't know what it is, but no matter how brittle or closed I am, there is something about the story of Aslan that just melts my heart. After leaving the theater, I spent the next day and a half walking on clouds, feeling so connected to God and so full of life that I couldn't help but smile. The image that came to mind was of those videos I used to watch in school, where flowers bud and open in high-speed on film. I felt as though something was opening & coming to life inside, just like spring. It didn't last as long as I would have liked, but it was beautiful while it lasted.
The other moment came when I pulled up to an old friend's apartment, and I could feel laughter kind of bubbling up inside. The foul mood I was in dissolved & all the To Do's seemed to shrink a little bit, and I was able to just sit and talk and listen in the comfort of an old friendship. It felt like Home somehow, and fed a part of me that has been quietly hungry for a while now. It was lovely =)
And now, no matter how much I avoid, no matter how many chapters of Anne of Green Gables I read, no matter how much I hide under the covers, I know that it's time to just take a deep breath & get the things done that need to be done.
And really, in the end, I know it will be alright.