Ugliness

I'm feeling a little cranky right now. It's nothing big-- mostly it's just my blood sugar being low, and having too many things on my "To Do" list. We leave tomorrow for Austin (which I am looking forward to), thus commencing our insane month of traveling, where I anticipate many mornings of waking up & not knowing where I am.

Instead of chipping away at that incredibly important "To Do" list, or even blogging about something meaningful (which I would love to do, but don't have the time or capacity for at the moment), I feel like complaining.

Either something a) is wrong with our mirror, b) something is wrong with my eyes/brain, or c) I am starting to resemble the creepy psychopathic killer in No Country for Old Men. Twice today, I have looked in the mirror at my outgrown hair (that I hate & feel like complaining about) & my tired eyes, and have seen Scary Psychopathic Killer looking back at me (seriously, I look just like him right now). Not good.

Hopefully it's just my mirror, and hopefully I won't start carrying around an air compressor (if you haven't seen the movie, that won't make any sense), but even more, I hope that I will make it through today feeling a little better than I am right now. I really want to keep a positive attitude. I really want to live each moment in a way that is balanced, peaceful & "at home" in Jesus.

I want goodness & patience & strength to flow out of me-- not shallow complaints about my appearance. Unfortunately, the truth is that I have both the good (the balanced, peaceful person) and the bad (the one that complains about the little things) living in me. On the inside, I probably resemble Gollum (& Smeagol) more than the scary dude from No Country for Old Men. I hate when the ugliness creeps out-- when I snap or speak with sarcasm or criticism.

Lately, I have been feeling such a deep sense of my need for God-- of who I really am when I'm worn out & the filters come off. It makes me want to cling tighter to Him, and I suppose that, in the end, that's a good thing.