Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Waiting is the Name of the Game

One can only hold their breath for so long before they turn blue. I haven't quite reached "blue" yet, but it seems like there are a lot of prayers lingering out there in space, waiting to be answered.

Dad: My Dad finally talked to the doctor today about his biopsy. He said that there was a lot of cancer in there, but that he hopes he got it all. There was some indication that the cancer might have spread to an artery, but we won't know for another 2-3 months (when they do follow-up tests). Until then, we just wait & hope he won't have to go through radiation.

Money: Some [wonderful, incredible] friends of ours hosted a fund raising dessert for us last night. Of the 50+ "Yes and Maybe's" on the Evite, about 15 showed up, and one committed to giving ($15 a month). Now, I don't want to sound ungrateful, because I was so humbled & thankful last night for the love we felt at the dessert-- but I have to confess that I was a little disappointed this morning when I thought about how we lost money on a fund raiser. We were able to cover rent this month, but now we have to move on to Plan B in order to get the financial support we need.

Uganda: Still no word on whether or not we are going to Uganda this summer. We were supposed to hear the final decision by Thanksgiving-- but then they found "a few more options" that they wanted to look into before telling us Yes. Monday was supposed to be the next deadline, but still no answer. I don't mind so much being the last choice, I'm just eager to hear a decision one way or another!

Ministry: Back in October, we found out that our beloved director would be leaving our team, and that the scary, faceless "National Leaders" were restructuring the whole ministry. Now, we don't exactly know what that means, except that everything is about the change-- for better or for worse (and so far, I fear for the worst). Time will tell (sooner rather than later, likely), and I wonder if we will still be here when the dust settles.

Now, none of these "prayers" have ended tragically yet. Some are big & life-changing, and some are big at the moment, but will pass. They all, however, feel big, and I find myself waiting for one or all of them to fall on my head at any moment.

I'm working on trusting God's goodness lately. For some reason, that's been really tough for me, and I've found myself very fearful-- that everything is going to fall apart, that God will leave me again, that He won't take care of us, that He doesn't love me anymore, or that He can't be trusted...

I started reading Disappointment With God by Philip Yancey today-- I read 83 pages in one sitting!-- and I can feel my heart opening towards Him a little. I want to trust that each of these "prayers" will work out-- one way or another. More than that, I want to trust that God is good, and that He loves me, even if things don't work out the way I hoped.
I'm still pushing through...

No comments: