Okay, I was having a rough time last week. I felt like I needed a melt down, but didn't quite have the time. We're facing some pretty significant changes (and losses) in our ministry, our team & our roles. It also looks like our dreams of leading a mission trip to Africa have all gone to pot. On top of that, last week, we led our first Small Group for our church, and put on a Fall Retreat for our students. And I was sick.
I honestly didn't think I was going to make it. As we were trying to get out of town for the conference, we had a fiasco getting Gavin into a kennel & didn't have anyone to watch him. You know, just one of those last minute panicky moments where you don't quite know if everything will work out.
But it did. Miraculously, it really did; and I sit here Sunday morning in my PJ's with a belly full of pumpkin pancakes (YUM!!) feeling happy & content very, very grateful.
Our Fall Retreat this weekend did some amazing things in my heart (okay, it was God-- but He did it through the Fall Retreat). Every detail seemed to go haywire at the last minute, and yet somehow, it all worked out-- beautifully and in that sacred kind of way where you know it was only God who could have orchestrated something so lovely.
I grieved a little for Africa, and the dreams that were not to be. I felt like I was able to let go of it, and with it, some of my anger & hurt. But, more than that, I fell in love with our students all over again. For the first time, I think, I "got" why it is so important to work with college students (maybe I'll get into that in another blog!), and why my job is so important. On Friday, I had one foot out the door (so to speak), and was ready to say Goodbye to all of this Campus Crusade college ministry stuff. But as I listened to one student love & counsel another student through thoughts of suicide & depression, I got teary-eyed, and had one of those heart-swelling-with-gratitude moments. "I could do this for the rest of my life," I thought to myself.
The truth is, I probably won't do this for the rest of my life. The truth is that the changes & losses are still coming. The truth is, it still makes my heart sink when I think about not going back to Africa. But, all of those things feel smaller now, and I feel a kind of peace & contentment now that anchors me down. It's a good day.