It's been a long week. I feel like, lately, I have been living through a bit of a hurricane inside. Circumstances have kept me pretty busy, but it's more than just that. There is a difference between walking forward ten feet on solid ground, and walking forward ten feet in shoulder-deep water. Either way, you're only walking ten feet, but your surroundings make the task significantly easier or harder.
These last few weeks, I have been going onto campus, meeting with students, praying, sending emails, tutoring, talking on the phone, making fliers, and organizing events. All these things are normal, and don't sound very difficult or stressful-- unless you're under water.
And I have felt under water lately. Some mornings this week, it felt like I was in the middle of a hurricane. Some moments, it was only a tropical storm, some moments, a tropical depression, and right now, it is currently [physically] softly raining outside my window-- which reflects my reality inside, too.
There have been moments this week where I have felt completely overwhelmed with emotions, with self-doubt, with negative thoughts, fear, discouragement & lack of motivation. I believe very much in God, and also believe very much in an Enemy who does not sit around in red tights with a pitch fork, but who comes after us in our thoughts, in our relationships-- in any way he can. Each time I have felt this overwhelming weight, I have done my best to pray (or asked someone else-- usually Chris-- to pray for me), and almost every time, it has gone away. But eventually, it comes back.
I could go into details: details about why my week has been hard and emotional; details about my Dad not being healed of cancer [If I was a good Christian, I would say "yet"]. Details about my funk & disappointments on campus, or about our paychecks being only $300. But I don't feel like details.
This morning, I learned something that will be fairly significant to my life, my job, my career path, and even where I call home (and No, Mom, I'm not pregnant!) ;) As the thoughts & questions swirled around in my head, I looked outside at the rain, and felt it a little in my heart & my soul. I need to process and to think & reflect, but Chris had to go immediately out to campus (poor thing), and I am here, alone with my laptop (and the sleeping pit bull pup).
I feel surprisingly calm, though. I am at peace-- although I don't feel like I have much capacity to pray or to work, or do much of anything. I feel like curling up on the couch, turning on the "fireplace" DVD, and reading a book. Watching a mindless chick flick & painting my nails sounds nice, too. I don't anticipate that these difficult feelings, questions or circumstances will go away on their own. For now, though, I can take a deep breath, hear the rain falling outside, and know that I am safe and dry in here.