Monday, August 13, 2007
God Came Back
Since we moved to San Francisco, I have felt a distance in my relationship with God. The first year we were here, it was an aching void, and it was miserable. It was a year of feeling like a raisin inside, with all the life & hope & joy & God sucked out of me.
The second year, things got better, but it was more like there was a veil separating me from God & life & hope (which is better than a void). I felt like I was able to exist and work and go to church, but it was like I was stuck in this mediocrity of my soul, and I couldn't feel God's presence.
Sometime this June, I felt like God was beginning to stir inside of me, telling me that things would change this summer, and that I would turn a new page in my relationship with Him. I was hopeful, and a lot of friends were praying for me. And I did learn a lot and I saw God work a lot, but hadn't quite experienced the freedom from this dull sadness that I was hoping for.
Well, yesterday was officially the last day of summer for us, in that today was our first day back for the Fall, meeting together as a staff team. And at church yesterday, I went in feeling that same dull sadness, but at the very end of the service, we sang a song, and it was like someone opened all the windows and let in the light.
It was so lovely and wonderful, but it didn't really hit me until this morning: I realized that God started bringing my heart back to life again on the very last day of summer. As I realized that, I couldn't help but laugh. And then, as I went about my morning, getting ready for our first staff meeting, I felt more & more light come in, until I realized that God had come back.
I just felt Him all of a sudden-- His presence, His life, all of the things I have been quietly aching for... they all came back. I found myself on the bathroom floor crying, just for the feeling of having a heart that is alive.
God literally showed up 1 hour before my summer officially ended. It is said that God is never late, but rarely early.
It's a good day today.